Tag Archives: zombies

Zombies! Brains!! Hollywood?!?

Hey all–so we’ve finally reached a massive 7 votes on the ‘What would you like more poems about?’ poll, and the winner is–ZOMBIES!!!  So your special treat for today is a poem about two subjects close to my heart, Zombies and L.A.  Its called ‘When the Zombies Came for Hollywood’

When the Zombies Came for Hollywood

Will Averill

When the Zombies came for Hollywood,

They came for brains,

Tom Cruise was fine.

The Zombies shuffled into Mann’s Chinese theatre

And watched Transformers 2,

And felt dumber for it.

The zombies had a sit down at Spago

Discussed the weeks box office returns, over bits of Harvey Weinstein

And all agreed he was much better years ago.

When the zombies came for Hollywood, they came in Armani suits

With starlets on their arms who would just DIE for a role,

So the zombies ate them.  And then the suits.

And still they got no brains.

The zombies wrote screenplays on Apple Macs in coffee shops

Splattered with the viscera of their victims, and Frappachino

And bitched about how theirs was a dying art, man.

I heard some zombies who were runners on Two and a Half Men

Were fired for merely shuffling, so they ate the producers

The show’s quality was unaffected.

And The Zombies had a movie greenlighted, but it fell through in the end.

But the production company still owes them money.

The zombies got a DUI on Sunset Boulevard

Because they wouldn’t be caught undead on the bus.

The zombies experienced ageism, and sexism, and lifeism, and one got

Botox, but her face slid off, so she ate the plastic surgeon.

He tasted like greed.

And the zombies argued over the plot of Lost

And the zombies went to audition after audition,

where they were met with

benign indifference and shotguns.

It’s hard to say which hurt more.

So the zombies walked along the beach that night, full of doubt,

Wondering if they’d made the right choice, and thinking what would happen

If they just started swimming out to sea, and never stopped.

They cried.  Tears of blood of the living.

One day, they just left.  Moved closer to home.

Started up small business and holistic healing centers

Where they ate people.

Some went to New York, where there were lots of brains,

But they found it too effete, so they called their moms

And said they were going someplace ‘less pretentious’,

like Philadelphia or Boston.

One zombie went to New Jersey, and fit right in.

The zombies may not have gotten what they wanted

In Los Angeles.  Fame.  Dreams.  Brains.

But they kept shuffling.  They just kept shuffling.

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Wedding Vows of a Zombie Slayer

zombie_slayer1

This was part of a series of six poems I wrote for my friend Jaq’s wedding.  It’s about love and zombies.

Wedding Vows of a Zombie Slayer

I promise to love you truly, until the zombies come

At that point I cannot promise anything

But I will try to get you to the shopping mall alive.

And there will always be gas in your chain-saw

Our love forever chambered in the shotgun of my heart

And together, we will aim for the head.

My life will be your life, my house your house

And it will always be stockpiled with canned goods.

Canned goods of my love.

And I will never run from you

Unless you get bitten, in which case,

well, baby, all bets are off.

For what separates us from the sentient undead is our ability to love unconditionally

And also to fly a helicopter.

So with this ring, this plastique, this baseball bat, and that samurai sword I thee wed.

Let’s do this thing.

Amen.

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