A telepathic connection to squirrels.
The ability to manipulate remote controls with my mind.
Disturbing preternatural knowledge of the rules of cricket.
Total resistance to guilt.
I can call on the aid of Ronaldo, my crime-fighting ferret.
The awesome power to influence the minds of French People.
Thumbs that could be turned all the way around, and when released, spin repeatedly back into place, to comic effect.
Huge Super Balls.
An air of unbreatheable smugness
Secret button which, when pressed, unleashes a horde of Vikings, who sing a hilarious show tune, then KILL.
The power to reveal inconvenient truths to the wrong people at inappropriate times.
A barrage of unstoppable spider monkeys, with mischief on their minds.
Turning into a pony.
A suit of invincible body armour that also blasts the song ‘Tiny Dancer’ at my enemies on an endless loop, while we fight.
The ability to control humidity.
Bulletproof leg warmers.
I could smell into the future.
Total control of I-70, and all it’s Stuckys.