Tips for Surviving the Robot Apocalypse
Of all the types of horrible possible futures,
The Robot Apocalypse scares me the most
Let’s face it, a zombie apocalypse would be the worst,
But it’s pretty straightforward, survival wise.
C)Run out of ammo and die horribly.
This I can handle. It might even be fun.
Holing up in shopping malls
Shooting Zombie celebrity chefs and politicians.
BAM! I just shot Zombie Jane Goody.
That’s how we do it downtown!
And I’m content to push a cart to the sea after the nuclear holocaust,
With a pistol and despair, fighting cannibals.
But the Robot Apocalypse is the great unknown
Because we made them, for the love of god
WE MADE THEM!
This is why, after hours of research on the internet
And episodes of The Sarah Conner Chronicles
I share with you, dear friends,
Tips for surviving the Robot Apocalypse
DO know the difference between a robot and a cyborg.
A Robot is entirely mechanical,
whereas a cyborg is a mechanically enhanced human.
Number Five is a robot
The Six Million Dollar Man is a cyborg.
Always kill the robots, and win over the cyborgs.
Because, hey, if you get tired of him, you can always sell the Six Million Dollar man,
And that’s six extra million dollars
Six million dollars
To survive the Robot Apocalypse
DON’T sleep with human resistance fighters sent back from the future to save you.
It may be hard, I know.
They may look like Micheal Biehn or Keira Knightly
They may have a picture of you from the past and tell you a story of how they fell in love with it.
They may even tell you, We don’t need protection, baby, in the future everyone’s sterile.
It’s lies, all lies, and you’ll make a baby that will be
a fucking ridiculous time paradox conundrum.
And you may well feel cheap in the morning.
DO locate your nearest steel processing and metal crushing plants.
The robots will be so intent on killing you, they won’t notice when you lure them in
And then it’s a simple matter of pushing them into the melted steel or car crusher.
Those most concerned with the Robot Apocalypse should consider a move to the industrial North.
Sure, that’s bleak,
But then so is the ROBOT APOCOLPYSE.
At every opportunity, make sure to mutter profoundly
“There’s a problem, with the robots.”
You may not sound quite like Will Smith
But you’ll still sound pretty cool.
Run diagonally. Robots hate that shit.
Carry a magnet. Point it at the robot. Not sure if this will work or not,
but it did a helluva job on my PC.
Lobby government robot making agencies to create robots with Apple Mac based systems.
PC’s are full of war games, which will train the robots to kill.
You can’t play shit on an Apple Mac, so instead, you’ll have a future of robots that are
GREAT at graphic design and video editing, but shit at exterminating humanity.
Make sure you have a geek on your survival team. Preferably one with a crazy mad scientist father.
The more insufferable the better. They may be awful, but you need somebody to tell you
“If we can simply cross-denigrate the Central Processor Matrix, the ensuing ionic interference will be enough to disengage the robot’s datamatric manifolds!”
When he says that, nod.
Broker a peace between the pirates and the ninjas. It will be difficult, but you will need them. Pirates are death at sea, and ninjas are death on land, and together, you will have TOTAL ROBOT DEATH.
And finally Tip#11
Don’t ever, EVER, have a half-naked, strobe lit, techno dance party when you think you’re winning. This will not only irritate you and the robots, but also the people who paid eight pounds to see that piece of shit that was Matrix Revolutions.
And so, with that, I bid you good luck,
And hope surviving the coming Robot Apocalypse.