Tag Archives: Poemetry

F*ck You, I’m from Kansas, now in 3-D

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Hipster Hell

On the day I died, St. Peter stood before me

I could see my reflection in his 80’s cop glasses,

his beard artfully unkempt, spilling over his fannel shirt.

The light of the Lord glinted off the chrome of his BMX bike.

He said ‘Heaven is no longer where it’s at.  It went out with Michael Landon.

You’re going to Hipster Hell.”

And we travelled to  dive bar off a side street of a city you’ve never heard of, just being gentrified

Where the only light came from the Schlitz neon signs and the oh-so-retro pinball machines

And he said “Welcome to Hipster Hell,

You may already be in it.

Welcome to Hipster Hell,

it’ll be gone in a minute.”

In Hipster Hell, all the jeans are acid washed

worn low like gunslingers belts, revealing ironic ass crack

lighting up the night.

And every girl’s a burlesque dancer in Hipster Hell,

but no one gets their tits out.

And every guy plays a ukelele in Hipster Hell

badly,

And it sounds like the end of an era.

I ate five cupcakes in Hipster Hell,

because the fat lady with pink hair and a dragon tattoo doesn’t serve them in even numbers,

and I watched the beards grow on men with short shorts

and played some kickball, but not well,

and drank cheap, non-commerical beer.

We watched 3-D movies, without the glasses,

and then said how much better they were.

Everybody applauded when I said something,

and then moved on as though nothing had happened.

Cause in Hipster Hell, it never does.

My iPhone fell in the toilet and broke

now I can’t use the ‘A’ key.  That just makes it cooler.

In Hipster Hell, every band has a keyboard

Every keyboard has a sticker

and every sticker’s artfully torn.

We ogled graffiti in Hipster Hell,

Is that a Banksy?  Quite probably.

Everything means something to someone in Hipster Hell.

I went to a hand-craft fair and bought a tea towel,

a hipster tea towel, that said ‘Tea’, so you know what it’s for.

In Hipster Hell, I saw a play,

it was political, and not very good,

but then everyone said how good it was,

so I changed my mind.

Everyone’s a spoken word poet in Hipster Hell

and they’re trying something new tonight

that you’ve never heard of,

it’s about third-world countries

and how the man is keeping us down

And no one does drugs in Hipster Hell,

Cause it’s cooler not to.

And the party doesn’t stop

And the glasses never come off

And the artfully tied Afghan scarves choke the men with the pointy shoes

Whose hair looks like a chickens

And everybody sounds like they’ve smoked to much

And everybody sounds like their from the East End

And everybody tries so hard to be perfectly unkempt

In Hipster Hell.

They had a barbeque, but the Quorn didn’t hold up

Bits of it slipped through the grill

And caught fire.

They had a Halloween party

Where everyone came as their favorite childhood TV show

That they’d never seen.

Look, there’s Wonder Woman

Look, there’s Sailor Moon

It was crazy, man, crazy, there in Hipster Hell.

Anime, Japanime, Hip-hop fusion urban fun,

twenty-four seven, direct to your doorstep

In Hipster Hell they don’t speak, except through Facebook,

except the cool ones, who are back on MySpace.

Shit just got real, yo, in Hipster Hell.

The irony became a part of me and I played my ukelele and sang my song,

dropped some rhymes, did ironic lines,

Till the time came when I couldn’t take it anymore.

And I said ‘St. Peter, take me somewhere earnest.’

And he said ‘You had it, but you lost it.  It’s the price you paid for entry.

And every headband wearing afroed boy here’s a sentry,

And you’re never going back again.’

So i had another cupcake and ennui, and stared, confounded,

at the death of me.

 

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Trollin’ Dirty: Guest Poemit Derrick Paulson

Derrick sent this in to me, and I think it’s pretty sweet.  It’s about Dungeons and Dragons, goblins, and a distinct lack of coffee.  Enjoy!

Dungeons & Dragons by 5 a.m.

by Derrick Paulson

“There are at least five goblins standing still,”
Our DM tells us from behind his screen,
“Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.”

We hack and slash in turn and drink our fill
Of blood; but, when the dust clears on the scene
There are at least five goblins standing still!

The wizard walks unarmed to show his skill,
With gestures grand and continence serene,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.

His magic missiles seem supreme until
The cleric summons all his gods to scream:
“There are at least five goblins standing still!”

We cast our die again and curse our ill
Luck that has left us few and far between,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.

With might and fury now we fight and kill,
But our DM, when cranky, needs caffeine:
“There are at least five goblins standing still,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.”

 

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Excerpts from Super Mario’s Twitter Feed

Hello Everybody!  It’s-ah me, Mario!!  I just-ah got a new IPhone! Tweet tweet.–about an hour ago from Twitterific

Oh-ah-no!  Someone has-ah stolen the Princess.  As a plumber, I feel fully qualified to rescue her! –50 minutes ago

Hey Look-ah, I’mma breaking the bricks.  With-ah my head!  —42 minutes ago

Gold-ah coins!  Woo-hoo! —From Twitterific

You ever get the feeling you’re-ah looking at the same three clouds, scrolling back and forth, over and over and over again?  –40 minutes ago

The princess is in another castle!  Oh-ah-no! –37 minutes ago

Oooo!  I ate-ah the mushroom, and now I’m a bigger! —About 35 minutes ago

Ooooh I touched a turtle, and now I’mma smaller! —About 34 minutes ago

When I jump-ah onto the flagpole, fireworks shoot up, like they’re coming out of my ass!  #fireworksoutofmyass.

A plumber and a princess, just thank-ah of the sex!  —About 20 minutes ago

Ouch, I’mma dead! From Twitterific

@mario  Suck it. Love, Bowser from the web

The Princess is in another castle!  Jesus Christ!!

I have acquired the tail of a racoon, which allows me to fly!  Woo hoo!  Maybe I should lay off the Mushrooms. –from Twitterific

Don’t-ah look now, but the turtles have grown wings.  WTF?? LOL?!? –from the web

Oh-ah Look, it’s my brother Luigi!  Just-a in time!

@Luigi You fuck.  That was supposed to be my firey balls flower!

#Haiti  — Please-ah donate to the poor people of Haiti.  I would-ah, but I’m being chased by a giant bullet with wings.  Oh-ah-no!

The Princess is in another castle.  Fucking-ah bitch.

#FF @Princess, @Yoshi, @Donkey Kong, @Little Toadstool Guy

Game Over?  This is my life we’re talking about!!  Continue!! Continue!!! –About 10 minutes ago

@Player  That’s better. —About 9 minutes ago

Sick of fucking gold coins now.  —About 8 minutes ago

Going down a sewer to a water world.  Not sure my IPhone will get reception here. –About 8 minutes ago

Woop woop woop woop –7 minutes ago from Twitterific

Yup.  Iphones are for assholes!  —5 minutes ago from web

Taken star-shaped pills that made me feel invincible? #Ivedonethat2 –4 minutes ago

@Princess Where R U? –3 minutes ago

@mario  I’m in another castle –2 minutes ago

@Princess Whore.  –1 minute ago

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Quitter

Day 3

Today is like a cigarette,

Warm and nice, with fluffy clouds like little puffs of cigarette smoke.

The birds chirp like cigarettes, only they’re not on fire.

You call me upstairs, like a cigarette, to show me some work you’ve done–

sadly it’s work that doesn’t cause cancer or increase my metabolism, but jewellery to put on ladies.  I don’t respond correctly,

You yell at me for that, but

Like a cigarette, I’m unimpressed, my filter sucking out the most harmful of your words,

the rest tar and nicotine exhaled slowly.  I return downstairs, to see

The pack of cigarettes, which are like cigarettes, with four cigarettes still left,

I look at them and wonder if there’s any Free Will,

They stare at me disapprovingly like middle-aged English women at the pub, the kind who smoke cigarettes,

and exhale disappointment and dispair.

My patch on, but not a patch on them,  I slink away; a crumpled ten-pack, something halfway between

an addict and a stalling tactic.

It will take thousands of years for my cigarettes to decompose, but I’m losing my composure by the minute.

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Folk Wisdom for the Modern Age

Folk sayings.  We all grew up with them, and our grandparents repeated them over and over again till we wanted to punch them in their geriatric, oatmeal cookie-ish, wrinkled old people faces.  Sure, they’re chalk full of wisdom, but they aren’t exactly relevant to today’s world, now are they?  Here are some brand new Folk Sayings for our Modern World.

The longest journey begins with a single metal detector, a security pat-down, and possibly an anal cavity search.

A Stitch in time will cost you approximately $23,215.53, provided your HMO agrees to co-pay.  Plus the ambulance.

Beauty is in the eye of the holder of the Botox.

A penny saved is worth absolutely nothing.

Every cloud has a silver lining, which conveniently covers up THAT HUGE WHOLE IN THE OZONE YOU MADE.

God helps those that send me a check for $100 so I can build a great church in his name. Ignore that hooker. Can I get an Amen?

What goes around, comes on Tiger Woods.

If at first you don’t succeed, fail miserably, write a self help book, get on Oprah, and tell us all about it.  We’d love it.  Seriously, we fucking would.  Can’t wait.

Necessity is the mother of internet porn.

People who live in glass houses usually also have solar panelling, drive SMART cars, eat vegan, recycle everything, and shit in compost heaps because they’re ‘helping the earth’.  In short, people who live in glass houses are Total Dicks.

The best laid plans of mice and men oft get completely fucked up in the Senate.

The early bird catches AIDS.

An Apple a Day, makes you a pretentious graphic designing bastard.  No one cares about your iPod, your iPhone, or your iPad.  Get a man’s PC, art fag.

If the shoe fits, think fondly of the 8-year old Korean who made it with his little, bloody hands.

A friend in need is a friend who needs you to send him some seeds or something stupid thing on Farmville and keeps posting about it.  God, hate him!  Hate Farmville.  Stop sending me things, Nelson!  Tard.

A fool and his money are soon leading a war on Iraq.

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Danny Boy cuts a bitch

You know, nothing goes together better than peanut butter and chocolate, and Irish Folk Music and Rap.  It’s a fusion I’ve attempted here, with this jaunty new poem, for all my homies.

On the Banks of the Roses, I be Ridin Dirty

On the banks of the roses, my love and I sat down

And I took out my violin to play my love a tune

In the middle of the tune, O, she sighed and she said,

“It ain’t a game nigga, I don’t know who told you it was

I put holes in your mug if you’re holdin’ a grudge

You don’t know me – I kill everyone who shows love

You have them motherfuckers lookin’ all up in the room for ya.”

The day it is approaching when we were to be married

And it’s rather I would die than live only to grieve

Oh meet me, my Darling, e’er the sun sets o’er the barley

And I’ll pop that pussy

I bring her to the bedroom and pop that pussy,

Uh-huh, and we be steady mobbin

Out from the sweet town of Derry

For Australia bound if we didn’t all drown

And the marks of our fetters we carried,

Doin’ a hundred while I puff on the blunt

And rollin another one up, we livin’ like we ain’t givin a fuck

But as the last glimpse of Ireland faded into the mist

She want the nigga with the biggest nuts, and guess what?

He is I, and I am him, slim, with a tilted beam

What’s my motherfuckin’ name?

Father O’Flynn, you’ve a wonderful way wid you

And ould sinners are wishful to pray wid you

So I advise you not to trust that hoe

Silly of me to fall in love with a bitch

Now here’s to Pat Pearce and our comerades who died

Tom Clark, MacDonagh, MacDiramada, McBride

Hoes recognize, niggas do to

Cuz when bitches get skinless, and pull a voodoo

What you goin’ do? You really don’t know

And as we wait in the morning’s light

Here in the silence of the night

We chant a soldier’s song:

It’s the world’s biggest dick

Don’t matter just don’t bite it

It’s the world’s biggest dick

Don’t matter just don’t bite it

But does she suck a good dick?

Don’t matter just don’t bite it

She swallowed it [yeaahh..]



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