Tag Archives: funny

Excerpts from Super Mario’s Twitter Feed

Hello Everybody!  It’s-ah me, Mario!!  I just-ah got a new IPhone! Tweet tweet.–about an hour ago from Twitterific

Oh-ah-no!  Someone has-ah stolen the Princess.  As a plumber, I feel fully qualified to rescue her! –50 minutes ago

Hey Look-ah, I’mma breaking the bricks.  With-ah my head!  —42 minutes ago

Gold-ah coins!  Woo-hoo! —From Twitterific

You ever get the feeling you’re-ah looking at the same three clouds, scrolling back and forth, over and over and over again?  –40 minutes ago

The princess is in another castle!  Oh-ah-no! –37 minutes ago

Oooo!  I ate-ah the mushroom, and now I’m a bigger! —About 35 minutes ago

Ooooh I touched a turtle, and now I’mma smaller! —About 34 minutes ago

When I jump-ah onto the flagpole, fireworks shoot up, like they’re coming out of my ass!  #fireworksoutofmyass.

A plumber and a princess, just thank-ah of the sex!  —About 20 minutes ago

Ouch, I’mma dead! From Twitterific

@mario  Suck it. Love, Bowser from the web

The Princess is in another castle!  Jesus Christ!!

I have acquired the tail of a racoon, which allows me to fly!  Woo hoo!  Maybe I should lay off the Mushrooms. –from Twitterific

Don’t-ah look now, but the turtles have grown wings.  WTF?? LOL?!? –from the web

Oh-ah Look, it’s my brother Luigi!  Just-a in time!

@Luigi You fuck.  That was supposed to be my firey balls flower!

#Haiti  — Please-ah donate to the poor people of Haiti.  I would-ah, but I’m being chased by a giant bullet with wings.  Oh-ah-no!

The Princess is in another castle.  Fucking-ah bitch.

#FF @Princess, @Yoshi, @Donkey Kong, @Little Toadstool Guy

Game Over?  This is my life we’re talking about!!  Continue!! Continue!!! –About 10 minutes ago

@Player  That’s better. —About 9 minutes ago

Sick of fucking gold coins now.  —About 8 minutes ago

Going down a sewer to a water world.  Not sure my IPhone will get reception here. –About 8 minutes ago

Woop woop woop woop –7 minutes ago from Twitterific

Yup.  Iphones are for assholes!  —5 minutes ago from web

Taken star-shaped pills that made me feel invincible? #Ivedonethat2 –4 minutes ago

@Princess Where R U? –3 minutes ago

@mario  I’m in another castle –2 minutes ago

@Princess Whore.  –1 minute ago

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Special Guest Poet John Osborne

I’m still trying to quit smoking and can’t think and nothing seems inspiring–so here’s some special guest poetry from John Osborne.  He’s funny, and English, and writes funny English people poems.  This one’s about the stifling predictability of middle class life and rampant domestic terrorism.  You can read more of his sweet-ass poetry, or buy one of his many books here.  Do it soon, because he’s pretty much too famous to talk to you now, and that’s only going to get worse.

p.s.  At first I thought this was a poem about men wearing Turkish pastries.  But that’s Baklavas.  There’s a difference.  Anyway, fucking read it.  It’s a good fucking poem.

What if men burst in wearing balaclavas?

by John Osborne

You shout crossword clues
while I iron work shirts.
and and there’s a stack of DVDs we ordered on Amazon
we still haven’t watched.
and Stuart Maconie is on the radio,

you like him
and we’ve skyplus’d The Apprentice
and it’s only two weeks until we go to New York
and the chicken is nearly roasted
and our friends will be here soon
and we’ve a case of red wine to get through

and a massive Toblerone
and Stuart Maconie has just played Whippin’ Picadilly
and if it’s still sunny at eight o’clock
we can drink gin and tonic in the garden
and tell everyone that Katie called this morning
to say she’s getting married in September

but as I sit waiting for our guests to arrive
I can’t help but look at the patio doors,
I imagine an elbow through the glass,
a man holding a gun in your mouth
as I am told to fill a bag with valuables.

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F*ck You, I’m from Kansas

This here’s a little rant I came up with after hearing people in England complain about two to three inches of snow.

Don’t forget to order a custom poem from Poetry To Go!

FUCK YOU, I’M FROM KANSAS

Two inches of snow in Norwich and this city shuts down.

“There just isn’t enough grit!”

Fuck You, I’m from Kansas

Where grit comes from the inside

Where blizzards bury children in as little as eight minutes

And you just deal with it.

Socialized health care?

Fuck You, I’m from Kansas

If you get cut, you die.  Simple as that.

Sure, we’ll pray for ya’ll, but that’s about it.

We buried pa in a field by the Kaw River after the rustlers came,

And ma died while trying to birth that calf, kicked in the head to death,

Little sister was bitten fifty-two times by a rattlesnake before she managed to bite off it’s head, and we couldn’t afford the antidote cause the cattle died of blight.

The poison still courses through her veins today.  Makes her mean.

And when the well ran dry, fifteen kids tripped and fell into it

Cute little blonde-haired blue-eyed kids,

Like the kind you save in movies

Movies that are never set in Kansas

And as they fell to their tiny deaths

We just watched.

Health and Safety?

Fuck You, I’m from Kansas

I went to school in a class of four hundred

Only eight of us are still alive

We couldn’t find Billy Ray after that twister got him.

He’s probably somewhere in Missouri

Or Ohio

Or maybe Iowa.

Or maybe bits of him in all three.

Did we miss him, yup,

But Fuck You, I’m from Kansas

It’s just part of God’s plan

We just got color in ’94, before that, everything was black and white

Except the people, they were just white.

I’m not racist, Fuck You, I’m from Kansas.

When the Indians come

You’ve got to circle the wagons to survive

I learned to dodge arrows from an early age

In the grim light of the campfire and smoke signals.

The smoke signals crying out “Get the fuck outta Kansas.”

Because Kansas was named after the Kansa Indians.

Before we shot them.

Fuck you, Indians, this is our Kansas.

Nineteen of my friends died of dysentery,

Cholera got the other six

My Facebook page reads like the book of the dead

The dead of Kansas.

I cried once, when I was two, and pa punched me in the face

Fuck you, son.  We don’t cry.  Not in Kansas.

Nothing tastes better in Kansas than pain.

We like our women to have teeth

But it doesn’t always work out that way

You don’t always get what you want in Kansas.

In the Kansas winter people freeze to death, and in the summer they die of heat stroke

The spring brings tornadoes which kill thousands and destroy our livelihood and our precious trailer homes.

Fall’s cool, though, in Kansas, fall’s cool.

If you don’t drink a case and a half of Pabst Blue Ribbon a day

Fuck you, get out of Kansas.

If you don’t stop at the titty bar along the highway

Fuck you, get out of Kansas.

You can’t be queer in Kansas, or that’s a shootin’.

Our capital, Topeka, is built of sticks and mud.

We added a brick once, and the whole thing fell over.

Forty thousand people died.

So we just started again.

Fuck you, I’m from Kansas.

I graduated at the top of my class in Kansas because I went to the library and read the book.

Now I’m governor.  Governor of fucking Kansas.

So when the snow comes next, and ya’ll English are trying to push your faggoty French cars out your ever-so-slightly frosted over roads, don’t come whining to me.

I’ve seen it all.  On the cold, cold prairie.

Fuck you, I’m from Kansas.

 

Don’t forget to order your own custom poetry from Poetry to Go!

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An In-depth Analysis of Obama’s First Year in Office

In honor of the recent State of the Union address, I’d like to add my two cents, a completely in-depth analysis of Obama’s first year in office.

An in-depth analysis of Obama’s first year in office.

Obama is fucking awesome.  Seriously, he is sweet.

Obama is everything good about the world.

I love Obama, and you should too.

Obama knows every little bit helps.

Obama works while you sleep

Obama does it your way.

Obama has lasers for eyes, and can see through men,

To find the truth.

Obama loves like no one can, and in his sweet embrace

All things are possible, and you know, baby, you’re the only one, right?

Cause Obama is the Alpha and the Omega, motherfuckaaaaa!

Obama won a Nobel Peace prize just because he’s fucking Obama,

And shot the fucking moon on the same day.

Not cause he’s black, but cause he’s awesome.

Remember climate change?  Yeah.  Obama fixed that.

If Obama and Abraham Lincoln got in a fight, Obama would win,

Cause Lincoln’s just some bearded cracker, and Obama’s shit is tight, ya’ll.

If Obama punched you in the face, your head would explode, but not on him.

Obama doesn’t get wet on water slides, and his sphagetti sauce never boils over the side of the pan leaving nasty little orange splatters all over the hob.  And if he did, he wouldn’t even need to clean it. He has people for that.

Every Christmas, every year, Obama dresses up in a red suit and delivers presents to all the Children in the world in a sleigh guided by magical, flying reindeer.  And if that bitch Rudolph gives him any shit, Obama will kick his ass, cause you do not fuck with Santa Obama.

First thing Obama did in office?  Stopped crime.  Fact.

If Obama was a color, it would be the blood of his enemies.  If he was a smell it would remind you of your grandmother’s house, after she died and left you a ton of money, if he was a sound, it would be O-BAMA.  That’s a little egotistical, I know, but wouldn’t you be, if you were…Obama?

To help avoid pollution, at the bottom of all Obama’s emails, it says ‘We’re conscious of the environment, please do not print this email unless you absolutely, ABSOLUTELY have to.  Or I will come to your house, fuck your mother, and make you watch.”

Only one person has ever printed Obama’s emails.

Obama is not George Bush.

Obama is way fucking cool

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