Tag Archives: comedy

Letter to My Minions

I’ve always wanted to be an evil Overlord and have minions.  Here’s what I’d say, shortly after the quarterly reports…

An Open Letter to My Minions, sent shortly after the Quarterly Reports

An Open Letter to My Minions, sent shortly after the Quarterly Reports


Dear Minions,

First of all, I want to say how great it is to have you all.  I know sometimes it may feel like I don’t show my appreciation enough.  That being said, I think you should all reach out and give yourselves a pat each other’s shoulders.  The left shoulder, not the right, as that will activate the button that explodes your heads.

It’s been a difficult year for all of us, as countries are primarily concerned with bailing out banks, not paying ransom, I’ve heard some of you were upset that we had to cut down our staff by 25%.  Many of you were concerned that we did this with swords.  Understandable.

Our most recent company satisfaction survey scores have been high, but have indicated that you’d like us to not kill you as much.  While we have used a Christmas bonus scheme in the past, instant death sentences have proved far more effective in controlling long-term company performance.  Especially death by electric eel.  This will remain policy for the foreseeable future.

From HR.  Please note that we are working on importing hypoallergenic skin-tight body suits for those of you with latex-related reactions, however, the skin-tight suits and goggles must be worn at all times.  Remember—this is not just for your safety, it’s for our sexy!

There have been many Health and Safety concerns about the Giant Laser room.  While we make every attempt to ensure your safety, it is a huge fucking laser.  Please do not step across the clearly demarcated yellow line on the floor.  Any discomfort, cracked skin or burnt-out eyeballs should be reported to the manager immediately.

Finally, a very happy 30th birthday to the Time Distortion Department’s manager Dex Gibbner.  Please report to the Relaxation room immediately.

Love,

The OverSeer

P.S.  Has anyone seen my white cat?  Small, fluffy, ominous?  Answers to the name of Hell Death. Reward offered.

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Back from a break–and not one from my penis

Famous World Leaders, Alive or Dead, that would also be good nicknames for my Penis, if it wasn’t already named Juan Domingo Valdez

Vlad the Impaler

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Herman Van Rompuy

O-o-oBAMA

(Igor) Chudinov

Ghenghis Khan

King Abdulla

Maxmillien Robespierre

Mizengo Pinda

Alaric the Goth

Sergei Bagapsh

Angela Merkel (for the ladies)

Geronimo (for the Native Americans)

Pope Benedict the 16th (inches)

Mr. Pushkin

Anerood Jugnauth

El Cid

Xenophon

Peter the Great

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