Why writing dirty poems about Smurfette counts! Or how you found me.

Boy,  Search terms sure are awesome!  Who’d have thunk people would stumble upon my little poemetry blog looking for ‘Cigarette fire’ or ‘Darth Vader Taking a Dump”, but by far the winner, the Sex with Smurfette poem, showing the true winning power of fucking filth over literature.  Apologies for the bad formatting, but I couldn’t be bothered to clean it up.  I’m off to write more Smurfette poems.  Here’s the list of how people found me, in order. smurfette 1,493 smurfette pictures 163 pictures of smurfette 24 zombie wedding vows 12 dirty smurfette 11 smurfette pics 10 “fuck you i’m from kansas” 10 pics of smurfette 10 smufette 10 smurfette image 10 smurfette images 10 picture of smurfette 9 smurfet 9 smurfette hot 8 smurfette picture 8 smurf poem 8 smurfette photos 6 smurf me harder 6 smuffette 5 hot smurfette 5 images of smurfette 5 aging hipsters 4 smorfet 4 hipster leather jacket 4 funny obama poems 4 “fuck you, i’m from kansas” 4 smurfette slut 3 midget poems 3 geek artfag 3 slutty smurfette 3 photos of smurfette 3 continue retry 3 aging hipster 3 smurfing 3 hipster leather jacket guys 3 dusty schaffer 3 smurfette poem 3 passing cloud cigarettes 2 smurfette + pics 2 smurf sex poem 2 midget poem 2 darth vader taking a dump 2 smurfett 2 smurfettw 2 smurffette 2 illiterati poem 2 seussian poem 2 fuck you im from kansas 2 f*ck you, i’m from kansas 2 cigarette fire 2
smurfette image	10
smurfette images	10
picture of smurfette	9
smurfet	9
smurfette hot	8
smurfette picture	8
smurf poem	8
smurfette photos	6
smurf me harder	6
smuffette	5
hot smurfette	5
images of smurfette	5
aging hipsters	4
smorfet	4
hipster leather jacket	4
funny obama poems	4
“fuck you, i’m from kansas”	4
smurfette slut	3
midget poems	3
geek artfag	3
slutty smurfette	3
photos of smurfette	3
continue retry	3
aging hipster	3
smurfing	3
hipster leather jacket guys	3
dusty schaffer	3
smurfette poem	3
passing cloud cigarettes	2
smurfette + pics	2
smurf sex poem	2
midget poem	2
darth vader taking a dump	2
smurfett	2
smurfettw	2
smurffette	2
illiterati poem	2
seussian poem	2
fuck you im from kansas	2
f*ck you, i’m from kansas	2
cigarette fire	2

Those Wacky Cultural Differences

Tony Blair on 7/7 —

“It is particularly barbaric this has happened on a day when people are meeting to try to help the problems of poverty in Africa”

George Bush on 9/11 —

“Terror unanswered can not only bring down buildings, it can threaten the stability of legitimate governments. And you know what? We’re not going to allow it.”

Vladimir Putin on 29/3 —

“A crime that is terrible in its consequences and heinous in its manner has been committed…I am confident that law enforcement bodies will spare no effort to track down and punish the criminals. Terrorists will be destroyed.”

The Open Letter Project

So I’ve been thinking, in this day and age of email and Facebook, that it’s been a long time since I’ve been a man of letters.  I have not sent or recieved a letter from anyone I know in about five years.

And I think that’s sad.

I’d like to reconnect with letter writing, so I’m starting the Open Letter Project.  Very simple, really–just email me your address to nr1will@hotmail.co.uk, and I will write you a letter.  You can ask a question, request a poem, or just leave it to me to fill in the details.  I’ll send you a letter, right to your mailbox–even if you’re in the United States or Siberia!  Also, if there’s anyone you think I should send a letter to–a famous person, the City Council, or Target, send me their address, and I’ll send them a letter.  I’ll probably post those ones here, as hilarity might ensue.

Letters may contain inappropriate drawings, swearing, and graphic depections of jewellery making unless otherwise requested

Get on it!

p.s.  We value your privacy, and will not reveal addresses to third parties!

p.p.s.s. I will probably draw something, thinking about it.  Maybe a lion or B-52’s fighting underwater.  Maybe both.

p.p.p.s.s.s.  It might take a little while to get your letter, but don’t worry!  We’re on it!

Ten Businesses from Lawrence I Miss–Not a Poem

Wherein the author of some of the poems reflects upon his youth, and the places in Lawrence he hungout therein, and then upon the worst of those places, and then ends it premature lament to the eventual demise of the author’s favorite business in the world.

Ahhh, old school Lawrence.  Back in the days when Iowa Street was on the outskirts of town, there was only one Lawrence High School, we didn’t HAVE a T, and Central was, actually, central, instead of squarely in the heart of the ghetto.  Sure, reminiscence is a dangerous thing, but gahddamn I miss these places.

10. Paradise Cafe –Home of Paradise Eggs Benedict, possibly the perfect breakfast food.  No frills, no perks, just good food in a yuppie diner atmosphere.   Sure it got run down after a while, but for eight or nine years Paradise Cafe was the place to see and be seen for the breakfast set.  It’s little pink bastard step-brother, Milton’s, with eighteen types of coffee and purposefully disaffected staff is just one sign of the complete pussification of Lawrence which occurred around the same time we let people from Topeka and Kansas City build spore housing on Wakarusa Street.

9. New Yorker—I couldn’t tell you how the pizza was, my guess was pretty run of the mill, but no one went for the pizza.  No, we went to stick quarters the fuck in video games.  I came for Sinistar, but stayed for Cliffhanger, and Dragon’s Lair.  I had a date there once with my first grade teacher, when I was still in first grade.  I don’t think she took it as seriously as I did, but then I didn’t take her as seriously as my score on Mrs. Pac Man.

8.  The House of Hunan—Chinese on 23^rd Street?  No one expected that.  The House of Hunan did move a few times, like a Room of Requirement filled with illegal aliens, but they did Hot and Sour soup like nobody’s business.  My fifth grade teacher took me on a date there.  I think he was more serious about it than I was.  He’s in prison now.

7. Lucifers—Apparently an old apartment building on 9^th consumed by fire, or another Gate To Hell, Lucifers was the ultimate adolescent playground.  Filled with the detritus of people much older and cooler than us –used condoms, beer cans, cigarette butts, and charming yet Satanic graffiti, it was perfect for a late night wander promising just a hint of the chance of death.  It’s now a set of apartment buildings, most likely filled with used condoms, beer cans, cigarette butts, and graffiti, but at least it has a roof now.

6. Taco Johns downtown—Couldn’t tell you how man Potato Oles met their fate to my greasy, teenage mouth after school on Mondays, but I’m guessing it numbered thousands.  Looking suspiciously like one of my college theatre professors, Taco John welcomed Junior High kids with his cheery pseudo-Hispanic gut and leering smile, always with a big plate of tacos.  Always.  It’s a fish bar now.  Insert Fish Taco joke here.

5. The Old Arts Center—I know it’s still around, but nobody goes in, and nobody comes out.  The old Carnagie Library was home to more theatrical ventures than I can name, starting with Summer Youth Theatre, where the boys ceremoniously urinated in the boiler room, and the girls dipped their girl parts in paint and made wall decoupage.  Convienently located near the train park for late night excursions and deadly injuries.

4. Vista Burger—No burger joint like it anymore.  You can bleat about Hayes, or Five Guys, or that place on Vermont all you want, I still don’t care what you say.  Vista Burger was the best.  Ever. Anyone who’s had a Vista Burger Birthday Party will agree.  Just one question—what the fuck was the mascotty Vista thing, and did anybody else think he looked like a cartoon drawing of an STD?

3.  Hole in the Wall Deli—I think it’s currently Rick’s Place, it had the best sloppy Joe in town for years, everything came wrapped in healthy, environmentally friendly tin foil, and with a gigantic slice of pickle, and served by big, smelly, hairy men.  Manly men.  The kind of men who would gladly kill the cow, and grind the meet between their teeth to make the Sloppy Joe beef, while smoking a cigarette.  Made Round Corner Cheese Shop look like a bunch of chumps.

2. Jennings Daylight Donuts—A big part of my youth died with the closing of Jennings Daylight Donuts, where the Chocolate Long John, and Apple Fritter made up a major part of my breakfast for years.  I could eat four or five Jennings Daylight Donuts in a sitting, and wind up feeling majorly ill.  In one of the most mis-informed business changeovers in the history of Lawrence, in my humble opinion, it was converted into a brewery, where I could drink four or five glasses of beer, and wind up feeling majorly ill.  Stick to donuts, people.  Please.

1. G. Willikers—Sure, I’m biased.  But you could get food, you could get cigarettes, and you could get beer.  Best part, if you worked there, you could get it all on a tab, which is why I ended up working for two weeks after I got fired to pay off my bar tab.  If the New Yorker was the go to place of my kidhood, and Taco Johns of the teenage years, G. Willikers was where I spent those formative late/post college years.  Amazing Reuben’s, and ladies got filmed in the bathrooms for FREE*.  How’s that for a wild night out!  *(for a limited time only)

Honourable mention needs to go to:

Tin Pan Alley—the alleyway entrance promised something illicit, and inside the hot wings delivered.

Bucky’s—the food was crap, but it was Old School Lawrence.

Cinema Twin—where I saw Red Sonja in all her glory.  Home of my first date, with Julia, where we went to see Mannequin, and then dad drove us home, where she proceeded to ignore me as she got out of the car.  Later had movies for a dollar.  ONE DOLLAR.  Now a Kohls, or Best Buy, or Home Depot, or some other boring, suburban shithouse department store.  Lookout charm and heritage—here comes Horizon 2020!

The Cafe in Woolworths—best grilled cheese sandwiches ever.

That Hot Dog Place on Vermont Street that only didn’t get in this list because I can’t remember it’s name. (Great American Hot Dog?) –Kept the relish and onions in big buckets on a condiment table, and I would eat them raw.  I was eight.  Dad was drinking.  Nobody knew.  Good times.

And finally, the Thank God You’re Gone, We Won’t Miss You At All Awards—

The Giant Racist North Lawrence Teepee—Don’t know what it did, or where it came from, but coming right off Highway 24, you couldn’t miss it.  Welcome to Lawrence, home of Haskell, and stunning fucking cultural sensitivity.

The Schoolhouse—Another of North Lawrence’s finest, a really shit dance club.  I only went there once.  Once was all it took.

The Other Jennings Daylight Donuts on 23^rd Street—like the one on Mass, but with no charm.  Custard creams?  Fuck you.

FantasyLand—where I was supposed to go as a youth to get conditioned to bad 80’s music and to come to terms with a personal romantic style that would later be termed ‘fumbling at best’, it’s sad that it’s gone and all, but at least I don’t have to be reminded of my pathetic past everytime I drive down Iowa.  Now also a Kohl’s, or Best Buy, or some shit.  Thanks Horizion 2020!

Last Call—Obvious, but thank fuck that’s gone.  Now if they could get rid of that Piano Bar.

Someday, the Bougeois Pig may go, and at that point my heart will die, and I’ll sever all ties with Lawrence, until then, this remains my fond farewell to bidnesses past.

Getting my shit together

Continue? Retry? is a collection of poems about love, video games, Transformers, super powers, the Robot Apocolpyse, Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books, and various other poems on geeky subjects.  It is not intended to be a fully comprehensive list of geekery, but an ever expanding homage to all things geeky.  The opinions of it’s main author may not reflect the views of Continue? Retry? or it’s associates.

Pregnant children and women with heart conditions should avoid Contine? Retry?

Enjoy.