This is Ikea.
This is Ikea. We’re calling to let you know that your couch is ready to be delivered. We cannot tell you when for sure, but it will definitely be at some point in the next three days around 2p.m.-5p.m., give or take a few hours.
This is Ikea. We’re sorry, but your couch is not yet ready to be delivered yet. Ignore that message you heard yesterday. Somebody was wrong, however, we are not to blame. You should have your couch at some point in the next three weeks. We’ll call again. We promise.
This is Ikea. There have been further delays with the processing of your couch. Before you get assy, WE DON’T CONTROL VOLCAONOS. Right?
This is Ikea. We take it because you haven’t called, you still want your original couch. It’s going to be a while, okay? In the meantime, you might try purchasing a chair, or futon, or sitting on the coffee table, or maybe cross-legged on the floor. We hear that can be nice.
This is Ikea. We don’t really understand why you’re still holding out for your couch. We’ve sent a man over during the weekend you said you were away, and it doesn’t even match your living room. Retro-country cottage chique completely clashes with our sleek Swedish design motif. You’re a fucking moron. But by all means, keep waiting.
This is Ikea. Look, we’re sorry about calling you a moron. Give us a call. Let’s talk about your couch.
This is Ikea. Are you sitting down? Of course not, you don’t have a couch. Check this out—remember the couch you ordered from us last year? They finally found a guy who’s willing to make it. He said he would have done it before, but it’s a piece of shit. We did have to pay him some more. Your balance will be amended.
This is Ikea. Goddamn it, call me back. I can’t live with this silence on your end. It’s like you’re not even there. I don’t even want you to pay for the couch. Just take it. Fucking take it like you took everything else.
This is Ikea. I’m worried about you. I saw the burns on your old couch when I was going through your dumpster. Are you on drugs again? Please call. If not our customer service center, at least the Samiritans. You need help.
This is Ikea. Was that a fucking Argos van outside your house yesterday? You need to call.
This is Ikea. I’m calling from a mobile phone outside your house with a can of gasoline and a brand new disposable lighter. You need to call now.
This is Ikea. BOOM!
This is Ikea. We hear you may be in the market for some furntiture for your new house. Please contact our customer service center for a 20%-off customer loyalty coupon. Have a nice day.
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