Folk Wisdom for the Modern Age

Folk sayings.  We all grew up with them, and our grandparents repeated them over and over again till we wanted to punch them in their geriatric, oatmeal cookie-ish, wrinkled old people faces.  Sure, they’re chalk full of wisdom, but they aren’t exactly relevant to today’s world, now are they?  Here are some brand new Folk Sayings for our Modern World.

The longest journey begins with a single metal detector, a security pat-down, and possibly an anal cavity search.

A Stitch in time will cost you approximately $23,215.53, provided your HMO agrees to co-pay.  Plus the ambulance.

Beauty is in the eye of the holder of the Botox.

A penny saved is worth absolutely nothing.

Every cloud has a silver lining, which conveniently covers up THAT HUGE WHOLE IN THE OZONE YOU MADE.

God helps those that send me a check for $100 so I can build a great church in his name. Ignore that hooker. Can I get an Amen?

What goes around, comes on Tiger Woods.

If at first you don’t succeed, fail miserably, write a self help book, get on Oprah, and tell us all about it.  We’d love it.  Seriously, we fucking would.  Can’t wait.

Necessity is the mother of internet porn.

People who live in glass houses usually also have solar panelling, drive SMART cars, eat vegan, recycle everything, and shit in compost heaps because they’re ‘helping the earth’.  In short, people who live in glass houses are Total Dicks.

The best laid plans of mice and men oft get completely fucked up in the Senate.

The early bird catches AIDS.

An Apple a Day, makes you a pretentious graphic designing bastard.  No one cares about your iPod, your iPhone, or your iPad.  Get a man’s PC, art fag.

If the shoe fits, think fondly of the 8-year old Korean who made it with his little, bloody hands.

A friend in need is a friend who needs you to send him some seeds or something stupid thing on Farmville and keeps posting about it.  God, hate him!  Hate Farmville.  Stop sending me things, Nelson!  Tard.

A fool and his money are soon leading a war on Iraq.

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