Kid’s Book Friday


Lines from the beginnings of my failed children’s books.

“Once upon a time, in the happy land of Rabbiton, there lived a tiny little bunny named Hitler. He believed in hopping, eating carrots, and genocide.”

“Kids with peanut allergies are like you and me, only you can cause them to turn blue with just one, simple trick.”

“What does that sign say? It says ‘No Irish.'”

“Everybody poops…blood.”

“Prancy the Rooster was sick of this shit. “I’ll show them,” he thought, reaching for his sawed off shotgun.”

“And so Uncle Bob opened up a Facebook account, so he could touch all the other children, in the same way he touched you.”

“Blue ball. Yellow stain. Rubber Room. Black Gimp Mask. Double Dong. Slide this lever.”

“Where’s Daddy? Daddy’s in the shit. Where’s the shit? It’s in Afghanistan. Uh-oh Daddy, IED. Boom!”

“Look. It’s Nurse Nancy. Nurse Nancy takes care of Grandma. Nurse Nancy is standing over Grandma, with a pillow. Grandma is very still. Good job, Nurse Nancy.”

“First thing in the morning, as the sun was rising softly over the farm, Higgildy Piggildy killed a man in cold blood.”

“When your new baby sister comes,” said Mommy, “we won’t be paying much attention to you anymore.”

“Hooray! It’s My First Axe!”

“Bitches sometimes be talking shit. It’s okay to smack that ho. How else, she gonna learn?”

“Uh-oh. Little Billy forgot to wear sunscreen! Look how red he is! That’s cancer.”

“Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much at one time, now they’re only staying together because of you.”

“The psychotropic drugs helped, but Chicken Little was still convinced the sky was doing something fucking freaky.”

“Look at the size of the universe! Do you now understand how insignifigant you are, puny mortal?”

“Little Sandy cried. And no one cared.”

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1 Comment

Filed under Poemetry

One response to “Kid’s Book Friday

  1. nwybf

    Definitely needs some illustrations to go with. Particularly little kids with bright red cancer. Awesome.

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