F*ck You, I’m from Kansas, now in 3-D

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Hipster Hell

On the day I died, St. Peter stood before me

I could see my reflection in his 80’s cop glasses,

his beard artfully unkempt, spilling over his fannel shirt.

The light of the Lord glinted off the chrome of his BMX bike.

He said ‘Heaven is no longer where it’s at.  It went out with Michael Landon.

You’re going to Hipster Hell.”

And we travelled to  dive bar off a side street of a city you’ve never heard of, just being gentrified

Where the only light came from the Schlitz neon signs and the oh-so-retro pinball machines

And he said “Welcome to Hipster Hell,

You may already be in it.

Welcome to Hipster Hell,

it’ll be gone in a minute.”

In Hipster Hell, all the jeans are acid washed

worn low like gunslingers belts, revealing ironic ass crack

lighting up the night.

And every girl’s a burlesque dancer in Hipster Hell,

but no one gets their tits out.

And every guy plays a ukelele in Hipster Hell

badly,

And it sounds like the end of an era.

I ate five cupcakes in Hipster Hell,

because the fat lady with pink hair and a dragon tattoo doesn’t serve them in even numbers,

and I watched the beards grow on men with short shorts

and played some kickball, but not well,

and drank cheap, non-commerical beer.

We watched 3-D movies, without the glasses,

and then said how much better they were.

Everybody applauded when I said something,

and then moved on as though nothing had happened.

Cause in Hipster Hell, it never does.

My iPhone fell in the toilet and broke

now I can’t use the ‘A’ key.  That just makes it cooler.

In Hipster Hell, every band has a keyboard

Every keyboard has a sticker

and every sticker’s artfully torn.

We ogled graffiti in Hipster Hell,

Is that a Banksy?  Quite probably.

Everything means something to someone in Hipster Hell.

I went to a hand-craft fair and bought a tea towel,

a hipster tea towel, that said ‘Tea’, so you know what it’s for.

In Hipster Hell, I saw a play,

it was political, and not very good,

but then everyone said how good it was,

so I changed my mind.

Everyone’s a spoken word poet in Hipster Hell

and they’re trying something new tonight

that you’ve never heard of,

it’s about third-world countries

and how the man is keeping us down

And no one does drugs in Hipster Hell,

Cause it’s cooler not to.

And the party doesn’t stop

And the glasses never come off

And the artfully tied Afghan scarves choke the men with the pointy shoes

Whose hair looks like a chickens

And everybody sounds like they’ve smoked to much

And everybody sounds like their from the East End

And everybody tries so hard to be perfectly unkempt

In Hipster Hell.

They had a barbeque, but the Quorn didn’t hold up

Bits of it slipped through the grill

And caught fire.

They had a Halloween party

Where everyone came as their favorite childhood TV show

That they’d never seen.

Look, there’s Wonder Woman

Look, there’s Sailor Moon

It was crazy, man, crazy, there in Hipster Hell.

Anime, Japanime, Hip-hop fusion urban fun,

twenty-four seven, direct to your doorstep

In Hipster Hell they don’t speak, except through Facebook,

except the cool ones, who are back on MySpace.

Shit just got real, yo, in Hipster Hell.

The irony became a part of me and I played my ukelele and sang my song,

dropped some rhymes, did ironic lines,

Till the time came when I couldn’t take it anymore.

And I said ‘St. Peter, take me somewhere earnest.’

And he said ‘You had it, but you lost it.  It’s the price you paid for entry.

And every headband wearing afroed boy here’s a sentry,

And you’re never going back again.’

So i had another cupcake and ennui, and stared, confounded,

at the death of me.

 

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Trollin’ Dirty: Guest Poemit Derrick Paulson

Derrick sent this in to me, and I think it’s pretty sweet.  It’s about Dungeons and Dragons, goblins, and a distinct lack of coffee.  Enjoy!

Dungeons & Dragons by 5 a.m.

by Derrick Paulson

“There are at least five goblins standing still,”
Our DM tells us from behind his screen,
“Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.”

We hack and slash in turn and drink our fill
Of blood; but, when the dust clears on the scene
There are at least five goblins standing still!

The wizard walks unarmed to show his skill,
With gestures grand and continence serene,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.

His magic missiles seem supreme until
The cleric summons all his gods to scream:
“There are at least five goblins standing still!”

We cast our die again and curse our ill
Luck that has left us few and far between,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.

With might and fury now we fight and kill,
But our DM, when cranky, needs caffeine:
“There are at least five goblins standing still,
Yet more keep coming down from up the hill.”

 

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Why writing dirty poems about Smurfette counts! Or how you found me.

Boy,  Search terms sure are awesome!  Who’d have thunk people would stumble upon my little poemetry blog looking for ‘Cigarette fire’ or ‘Darth Vader Taking a Dump”, but by far the winner, the Sex with Smurfette poem, showing the true winning power of fucking filth over literature.  Apologies for the bad formatting, but I couldn’t be bothered to clean it up.  I’m off to write more Smurfette poems.  Here’s the list of how people found me, in order.

smurfette 1,493
smurfette pictures 163
pictures of smurfette 24
zombie wedding vows 12
dirty smurfette 11
smurfette pics 10
“fuck you i’m from kansas” 10
pics of smurfette 10
smufette 10
smurfette image 10
smurfette images 10
picture of smurfette 9
smurfet 9
smurfette hot 8
smurfette picture 8
smurf poem 8
smurfette photos 6
smurf me harder 6
smuffette 5
hot smurfette 5
images of smurfette 5
aging hipsters 4
smorfet 4
hipster leather jacket 4
funny obama poems 4
“fuck you, i’m from kansas” 4
smurfette slut 3
midget poems 3
geek artfag 3
slutty smurfette 3
photos of smurfette 3
continue retry 3
aging hipster 3
smurfing 3
hipster leather jacket guys 3
dusty schaffer 3
smurfette poem 3
passing cloud cigarettes 2
smurfette + pics 2
smurf sex poem 2
midget poem 2
darth vader taking a dump 2
smurfett 2
smurfettw 2
smurffette 2
illiterati poem 2
seussian poem 2
fuck you im from kansas 2
f*ck you, i’m from kansas 2
cigarette fire 2
smurfette image 10
smurfette images 10
picture of smurfette 9
smurfet 9
smurfette hot 8
smurfette picture 8
smurf poem 8
smurfette photos 6
smurf me harder 6
smuffette 5
hot smurfette 5
images of smurfette 5
aging hipsters 4
smorfet 4
hipster leather jacket 4
funny obama poems 4
“fuck you, i’m from kansas” 4
smurfette slut 3
midget poems 3
geek artfag 3
slutty smurfette 3
photos of smurfette 3
continue retry 3
aging hipster 3
smurfing 3
hipster leather jacket guys 3
dusty schaffer 3
smurfette poem 3
passing cloud cigarettes 2
smurfette + pics 2
smurf sex poem 2
midget poem 2
darth vader taking a dump 2
smurfett 2
smurfettw 2
smurffette 2
illiterati poem 2
seussian poem 2
fuck you im from kansas 2
f*ck you, i’m from kansas 2
cigarette fire 2

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He’s Coming to Stop the Gays, The Pope!

A rousing sea chanty to welcome the Pope ironically, that you can sing along with your friends!

Directions:

1)Divide the room in half.  Have one side yell the ‘”He’s coming to stop the gays!” part, and the other side yell “the Pope” on cue.

2)Find one person who’s really loud, to yell the ‘Gays’ section after the second chorus.

3)Get people banging on tables and stomping on the floor.

4)Remind everyone that this is meant ironically, and not an audition for the BNP!

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s a little old man in a big white hat,

And I think he doesn’t really know where he’s at

He hates the gays and that is that

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope


He’s a crazy old man in a big white dress,

And I hear that he used to be in the SS,

He just can’t get into that bad gay ass sex

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

Who?  (Gays!)

Who?  (Gays!)

WHHHHOOOO????   (GGGAAAAYYYYSSSS!)

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, Gays!

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, Gays!

He’s come all the way from the Vatican

To remind us that those queers are living in sin

And equalities great, but it isn’t for him

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, Gays!

He’s coming to stop the gays, the Pope

He’s coming to stop the gays, Gays!

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This is Ikea

This is Ikea.

 

This is Ikea.  We’re calling to let you know that your couch is ready to be delivered.  We cannot tell you when for sure, but it will definitely be at some point in the next three days around 2p.m.-5p.m., give or take a few hours.

This is Ikea.  We’re sorry, but your couch is not yet ready to be delivered yet.  Ignore that message you heard yesterday.  Somebody was wrong, however, we are not to blame.  You should have your couch at some point in the next three weeks.  We’ll call again.  We promise.

This is Ikea.  There have been further delays with the processing of your couch.  Before you get assy, WE DON’T CONTROL VOLCAONOS.  Right?

This is Ikea.  We take it because you haven’t called, you still want your original couch.  It’s going to be a while, okay?  In the meantime, you might try purchasing a chair, or futon, or sitting on the coffee table, or maybe cross-legged on the floor.  We hear that can be nice.

This is Ikea.  We don’t really understand why you’re still holding out for your couch.  We’ve sent a man over during the weekend you said you were away, and it doesn’t even match your living room.  Retro-country cottage chique completely clashes with our sleek Swedish design motif.  You’re a fucking moron.  But by all means, keep waiting.

This is Ikea.  Look, we’re sorry about calling you a moron.  Give us a call.  Let’s talk about your couch.

This is Ikea.  Are you sitting down?  Of course not, you don’t have a couch.  Check this out—remember the couch you ordered from us last year?  They finally found a guy who’s willing to make it.  He said he would have done it before, but it’s a piece of shit.  We did have to pay him some more.  Your balance will be amended.

This is Ikea.  Goddamn it, call me back.  I can’t live with this silence on your end.  It’s like you’re not even there.  I don’t even want you to pay for the couch.  Just take it.  Fucking take it like you took everything else.

This is Ikea.  I’m worried about you.  I saw the burns on your old couch when I was going through your dumpster.  Are you on drugs again? Please call.  If not our customer service center, at least the Samiritans.  You need help.

This is Ikea.  Was that a fucking Argos van outside your house yesterday?  You need to call.

This is Ikea.  I’m calling from a mobile phone outside your house with a can of gasoline and a brand new disposable lighter.  You need to call now.

This is Ikea.  BOOM!

This is Ikea.  We hear you may be in the market for some furntiture for your new house.  Please contact our customer service center for a 20%-off customer loyalty coupon.  Have a nice day.

 

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Excerpts from Super Mario’s Twitter Feed

Hello Everybody!  It’s-ah me, Mario!!  I just-ah got a new IPhone! Tweet tweet.–about an hour ago from Twitterific

Oh-ah-no!  Someone has-ah stolen the Princess.  As a plumber, I feel fully qualified to rescue her! –50 minutes ago

Hey Look-ah, I’mma breaking the bricks.  With-ah my head!  –42 minutes ago

Gold-ah coins!  Woo-hoo! –From Twitterific

You ever get the feeling you’re-ah looking at the same three clouds, scrolling back and forth, over and over and over again?  –40 minutes ago

The princess is in another castle!  Oh-ah-no! –37 minutes ago

Oooo!  I ate-ah the mushroom, and now I’m a bigger! –About 35 minutes ago

Ooooh I touched a turtle, and now I’mma smaller! –About 34 minutes ago

When I jump-ah onto the flagpole, fireworks shoot up, like they’re coming out of my ass!  #fireworksoutofmyass.

A plumber and a princess, just thank-ah of the sex!  –About 20 minutes ago

Ouch, I’mma dead! From Twitterific

@mario  Suck it. Love, Bowser from the web

The Princess is in another castle!  Jesus Christ!!

I have acquired the tail of a racoon, which allows me to fly!  Woo hoo!  Maybe I should lay off the Mushrooms. –from Twitterific

Don’t-ah look now, but the turtles have grown wings.  WTF?? LOL?!? –from the web

Oh-ah Look, it’s my brother Luigi!  Just-a in time!

@Luigi You fuck.  That was supposed to be my firey balls flower!

#Haiti  — Please-ah donate to the poor people of Haiti.  I would-ah, but I’m being chased by a giant bullet with wings.  Oh-ah-no!

The Princess is in another castle.  Fucking-ah bitch.

#FF @Princess, @Yoshi, @Donkey Kong, @Little Toadstool Guy

Game Over?  This is my life we’re talking about!!  Continue!! Continue!!! –About 10 minutes ago

@Player  That’s better. –About 9 minutes ago

Sick of fucking gold coins now.  –About 8 minutes ago

Going down a sewer to a water world.  Not sure my IPhone will get reception here. –About 8 minutes ago

Woop woop woop woop –7 minutes ago from Twitterific

Yup.  Iphones are for assholes!  –5 minutes ago from web

Taken star-shaped pills that made me feel invincible? #Ivedonethat2 –4 minutes ago

@Princess Where R U? –3 minutes ago

@mario  I’m in another castle –2 minutes ago

@Princess Whore.  –1 minute ago

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